NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK—Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced that he has hired former President Joe Biden as senior advisor for New York City’s first government-owned socialist grocery store, citing Biden’s historic, unparalleled success in clearing out American supermarket aisles.
During a press conference outside the 40,000-square-foot facility where the new grocery store was set to be built, Mamdani praised the former president’s unparalleled track record of turning fully stocked capitalist grocery stores into desolate wastelands of bare metal shelving.
“Our vision for this public market is to free the working-class from the oppressive burden of having consumer choices,” Mayor Mamdani said, gesturing toward Biden. “If we’re going to do democratic socialism right, we need to guarantee that every single New Yorker has equal, equitable access to absolutely nothing. President Biden didn’t just flirt with shortages, he made them a lifestyle. Nobody empties a shelf quite like Joe.”
According to Mamdani, Biden has already instituted specialized training for store employees, running rigorous drills on how to blame empty grocery store shelves on Vladimir Putin and the Russians.
At press time, local Republicans were reportedly already creating thousands of “I Did That” stickers, having simply swapped out the former president’s face for Mamdani’s in preparation for the upcoming empty grocery store shelves.
