LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — Democracy itself was pronounced officially “dead” Thursday after several wealthy Hollywood celebrities reported being forced to perform basic household tasks following the deportation of their longtime, illegal immigrant domestic staff.
According to tearful Instagram videos filmed inside of one of their many large mansions, the crisis began when celebrities discovered that freedom, norms, and the Constitution apparently cannot survive a situation in which a person worth nine figures has to push a vacuum cleaner across a rug.
“Democracy is dead thanks to this fascist Trump administration,” lamented actress Natalie Portman on Instagram. “Thanks to Trump’s Nazi Gestapo ICE deporting my housekeeper, um, whatever her name is, I had to Google how to use a Swiffer.”
Other celebrities echoed the concern, warning that America cannot function when wealthy citizens are forced to separate whites from colors, wipe down marble countertops, or confront the horrifying reality that toilets do not clean themselves.
“This is exactly what the Founding Fathers warned us about,” a tearful Mark Ruffalo told reporters from the driveway of his $42 million Tuscan-style villa, holding a Dyson vacuum cleaner upside down. “First, they came for the journalists, and I said nothing. Then, they came for the undocumented staff who maintain my koi pond and scrub my marble floors for $2 an hour. Hey, by the way, do any of you guys know which button turns on the ‘suck’ function?”
At publishing time, dozens of A-list celebrities gathered to discuss the existential threat to democracy posed by the prospect of also doing their own laundry.
