WASHINGTON– In a heartwarming yet unorthodox display of holiday cheer, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (RFK Jr.) was spotted leaving a succulent T-Bone steak and a chilled glass of raw milk on his table for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.
Sources close to the Kennedy household confirmed that RFK Jr. insisted on the organic, grass-fed beef and unpasteurized dairy, citing Santa’s notorious cholesterol levels and alleged vaccine injuries.
“I’m not trying to be a Grinch, I’m trying to save his life,” explained RFK Jr. as he sprinkled the steak with activated charcoal powder. “Do you know what’s in a standard sugar cookie? Red Dye No. 40. Glyphosate. It’s poison. Santa has been the victim of Big Sugar for too long. Tonight, he enters ketosis.”
The move has been praised by health enthusiasts but criticized by cookie lobbyists who have called on the HHS Secretary to be impeached for practicing a healthy lifestyle.
“When Santa comes down that chimney, he’s not just getting a meal,” Kennedy whispered before turning out the lights. “He’s getting a metabolic reset. He can thank me later.”
Kennedy also reportedly replaced the carrots for the reindeer with organic organ meat supplements and filtered spring water, citing concerns that standard tap water contains fluoride which might calcify Rudolph’s pineal gland.
