CHICAGO, ILLINOIS– In a press conference held hours after yet another black gang-related mass shooting in the South Side, Mayor Brandon Johnson doubled down on his signature blame-shifting strategy, assuring the public that the bloodshed was “clearly orchestrated by white supremacist groups” seeking to “destabilize our community.”
The shooting incident, which according to dozens of eyewitnesses and crystal-clear 4K surveillance footage, was carried out by three black gunmen who witnesses described as “young black males” in their early 20s, is now the subject of a high-priority, city-wide investigation into its “Caucasian origins.”
Johnson, who has made a career of deflecting blame for Chicago’s spiraling violence onto “systemic racism” and “white privilege,” vowed to leave no stone unturned in the city’s hunt for the white man he is certain is responsible.
“We’ve already identified several suspicious white men who posted ‘All Lives Matter’ on Facebook in 2016,” Johnson revealed. “This is a classic case of white terrorism. Somewhere out there, there is a white man, probably named Chad or Preston, who is mowing his lawn right now, blissfully unaware of the chaos his privilege has wrought. He may not have pulled the trigger, but he created the socio-culinary injustice that made the trigger necessary. And I promise you, we will find him. We will hold him accountable. Chicago will not know peace until we do.”
Johnson concluded his remarks by calling for a national ban on white people owning guns, citing “statistical proof that 100% of mass shooters are white, except for the ones who aren’t, which we ignore.” He then later updated his statement to suggest just banning white people altogether.
