WASHINGTON– During a surprise press conference held outside the Department of Justice Monday morning, Attorney General Pam Bondi proudly announced that she has officially replaced herself with a life-size cardboard cutout so she can finally focus spending all of her time on Fox News.
According to sources close to Pam Bondi, the decision was made after she realized that her true passion lay not in enforcing the law, but in delivering smarmy soundbites to Fox News audiences.
“Honestly, the viewers need me,” Pam Bondi said while adjusting her on-air makeup between Fox & Friends segments. “If I’m not on TV several hours a day talking about how evil the Democrats are and how I plan on arresting them at any minute, then who will?”
Strangely, the cardboard cutout Bondi has already outperformed human Bondi in her former role, already indicting 12 high-ranking politicians for corruption, including several House Democrats and a Republican Senator.
When asked how cardboard Bondi managed such a feat, a DOJ spokesperson shrugged. “Honestly? It’s the most engaged I’ve ever seen her. This is the most work Pam’s ever done. No distractions fixing its hair or putting on makeup, no Fox News hits, no useless sternly worded posts. It was kind of refreshing.”
President Trump, who has repeatedly called on Bondi to take action against corrupt politicians and deep state actors, later posted on his Truth Social account, “Even a cardboard box can get more done than that loser. Cardboard Pam is a WINNER! Maybe I should replace all my cabinet members with cardboard cutouts. At least they won’t stab me in the back! Thank you for your attention to this matter.”
