WASHINGTON– Handing out the maximum penalty in a landmark ruling, a federal judge sentenced 32-year-old bank robber James “Fraudster” Jenkins to a two-year mandatory term in the U.S. House of Representatives as punishment for his crimes. Jenkins, who pleaded guilty to robbing a bank in Oklahoma in addition to money laundering and bribery, will trade in his orange jumpsuit for a congressional pin and a seat on the House Appropriations Committee.
Jenkins, who was also found guilty of defrauding over 800 retirees of their life savings in a complex $90 million “investment” scheme, collapsed into his chair upon hearing the verdict, shocked at receiving such a unusual punishment. Judge Bribetta Stone explained the reasoning behind the soul-crushing sentence.
“A traditional prison sentence would be an insufficient punishment,” Judge Stone stated, reading from her decision. “We’ve come to realize that Congress is essentially a crime syndicate with better health insurance. By sending Jenkins to the Hill, we’re giving him the opportunity to learn from the best-career politicians who have mastered the art of embezzlement, bribery, and treason. Perhaps his skills can be better utilized in Washington.”
Jenkins will be assigned to a vacant seat in California’s 38th district, joining the ranks of the career criminals in Congress, both Democrat and Republican. His duties will include voting on bills he doesn’t read, accepting bribes from lobbyists, and lying to constituents about his voting record.
When asked about his new role, Jenkins exclaimed, “I’m thrilled! I’ve always wanted to rob people legally. Now I can do it with a 401(k) and a golf cart!” His lawyer added, “This is a win-win. James gets to continue his life of crime, and the American people get another corrupt politician they can’t trust.”
The ACLU has filed an appeal, arguing that the sentence is “cruel and unusual punishment” for the constituents of Jenkins’ future district.
