SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA– In a revelation that has sent shock and disgust across the Golden State, Governor Gavin Newsom was caught getting himself in the mood for sex by watching a montage of California’s most devastating wildfires that left countless citizens homeless.
Anonymous gubernatorial aides allege that Gavin Newsom gets extremely excited and pants like a rabid coyote watching the fiery video footage of flames engulfing entire neighborhoods and destroying homes, with the wildfires acting like an aphrodisiac to spice up his love life.
Sources close to Gov. Gavin Newsom confirm that the foreplay routine involves dimming the lights and then playing a loop of 2025’s Pacific Palisades footage on a big screen TV in the bedroom. “He loves the part where an elementary school burns down and people are seen crying over losing their homes,” an anonymous staffer confided in news reporters. “He’ll pause it right as the roof caves in and whisper maniacally to himself, ‘This is what I do to California’s future.'”
The anonymous staffer stated they confronted Newsom over the gruesome ritual, with the governor remaining unapologetic, saying, “If watching California burn is wrong, I don’t want to be right,” he said allegedly, unbuttoning his shirt. “Nothing turns me on like the smell of charred homes and the sound of people crying in the distance.
“Besides, it’s not like I’m the one who actually caused the wildfires. That’s on the climate… or the homeless… or Trump…or whoever we’re blaming this week.”
Critics have labeled Newsom’s obsession “sociopathic” and “deeply disturbing,” arguing that it takes a certain kind of evil to keep water reservoirs empty to make sure there are no ways to fight a fire and then using the fiery carnage to arouse yourself in the bedroom.
