WASHINGTON– In a bizarre attempt to justify their stance on immigration, prominent Democrats have launched a campaign claiming that the Founding Fathers of the United States were not, in fact, white European colonists, but rather underpaid Indian H1B visa workers. This assertion comes on the heels of President Donald Trump recently cracking down on the abuse of the H1B visa program, which allows companies to import cheap foreign labor at the expense of American workers.
According to Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), “It’s a little-known fact that George Washington was actually a software engineer from Bangalore named Suneel Habib Patel who came to America on an H1B visa. He built the first server farms in the colonies and coded the Declaration of Independence in Python.” When pressed for evidence, Ocasio-Cortez cited “a really convincing Reddit thread” and “a post from a guy on X who said he’s a historian.”
Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) echoed these sentiments, stating, “Ben Franklin was a low-wage IT consultant from Mumbai, whose birth name was Kajri Bukhad Naniwadekar Khan. These Indian Founding Fathers were not privileged colonists, but hardworking Indian software engineers who built the United Staters.” Sanders also claimed that the Liberty Bell was actually forged by geniuses in India and imported as a “cultural exchange gift.”
Trump’s Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller responded to the Democrats’ outlandish new claims saying, “This is a blatant attempt to erase American history and justify the exploitation of foreign workers. H1B workers are not ‘highly skilled,’ they’re just cheap labor. Companies don’t care about their qualifications, they only care about paying them $60,000 a year or less while an American would demand $120,000.”
Despite the backlash, Democrats remain committed to their narrative. “We must recognize the contributions of our Indian H1B forefathers,” said Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN). “My family of Somalians came over to America on the Mayflower back in 1620, so I can appreciate how they built America’s tech industry with their blood, sweat, and tears, and also by working 80-hour weeks for minimum wage while living 12 to a studio apartment back in the 18th century.”
In related news, the Democratic National Committee has announced plans to try to get the Statue of Liberty replaced with a bronze statue of an H1B worker holding a laptop and a visa application while squatting down to poop. The inscription will read, “Give me your illegal, your dirty, your squatting masses yearning to poop free-but only if they’re willing to work for less than $30,000 a year.”
