WASHINGTON– The long-awaited JFK Files have been released, finally revealing that John F. Kennedy was assassinated because the street his car was driving on was too sloped for the Secret Service agents to handle.
Millions of people from around the world have surmised for many years that JFK was killed by either the CIA, Israel, Cuba, his Vice President Lyndon B. Johnson, the Mafia, or a combination of all of the above. But now that the files have been declassified, the decades-old rumors were finally put to rest and one of the most horrific events in history was simply due to a sloped street.
“At least the public now knows what really happened to President John Kennedy,” said a spokesperson for the FBI. “If you remember, President Trump’s attempted assassination was also caused by a sloped surface, when Secret Service agents were having safety issues with a sloped roof. Apparently the Secret Service has been having trouble with sloped surfaces for many, many decades.”
The head of the current Secret Service put out a statement after the JFK files were released, saying that he would be implementing new slope training courses in order to train agents better in dealing with things that are sloped.
The JFK Files also revealed that a young RFK Jr. made a promise after that incident that some day he would make sure every restaurant in America cooked their fries in beef tallow.
