SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA– Almost 90-year-old former House Speaker and current ghoul Nancy Pelosi emerged from her coffin to win her reelection back to Congress after defeating her much younger Republican opponent, saying that she still has a lot of life left in her and plans on staying in politics for at least another hundred years.
The ancient Nancy Pelosi celebrated her win with another few rounds of plastic surgery and adrenochrome before giving a victory speech from inside of the vampiric-like crypt that she lives in under the floors of the Capitol Building.
“Thank you to all the dead people, fake ballots, and Democrat morons who voted me back into office,” said Nancy Pelosi after biting the head off of a bat. “I still have a lot of life left in me and I plan on staying in Congress for a very long time. I felt it was my duty to run for reelection again after former President Trump won the presidency. I already have his impeachment papers ready to go.”
Pelosi has faced some backlash after forcing President Joe Biden to step out of the race, claiming he was too old to serve as president even though he’s younger than the California Democrat who once dated Abraham Lincoln.
Also rumored to be seeking reelection is Democrat congresswoman Dianne Feinstein, who passed away back in September 2023.
