MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN– After facing major backlash on social media for the way she handled herself during the attempted assassination on Donald Trump, the short, female Secret Service agent was taken off the president’s detail and told to protect the main vending machine at the RNC Convention just in case former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie showed up.
The pudgy agent quickly drew her firearm after a crowd of people had already passed by, and then proceeded to try and put her gun back into the holster ten times before just giving up and using the weapon to scratch herself.
“At the Secret Service, we only hire the best,” said the head of the Secret Service Kimberly Cheatle. “We got word that former presidential candidate Chris Christie may be trying to sneak into this year’s RNC event to try and steal all the free snacks, so we put our best man, I mean woman, in front of the vending machines to protect them from this national emergency.”
The Secret Service has stated recently that one of their main goals is not to efficiently protect the presidents of the United States, like in the recent incident with Trump, but to make certain that they use DEI practices to only hire the most competent people based on their gender, sexual orientation, and race.
At publishing time, Chris Christie did in fact sneak into the RNC and eat all the snacks. While Christie was ravenously shoving food into his mouth the female agent cowered in fear behind the vending machine, only to reappear after a satiated Christie had fled the scene.
