NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY– A groundbreaking study has made the news this week after medical researchers at Robert Wood Johnson Medical School discovered that having a heart can surprisingly increase a person’s chances of having a heart attack and are warning those with hearts to be extra cautious whenever using it.
Head cardiology researcher Dr. Johns Hopkins said it took his team of highly skilled medical experts almost 25 years to finally discover that hearts are the root cause of one hundred percent of heart attacks.
“I couldn’t believe it,” said Dr. Hopkins, referring to the moment he realized that hearts were the culprit in deadly heart disease. “We also found that not only are those with hearts more likely to have heart attacks, but people with hearts are also more likely to have other conditions such as angina, arrhythmia, and pericarditis.”
According to Dr. Hopkins, the heart is a mostly useless organ that doesn’t serve any real purpose and, like the appendix or foreskin, recommends patients remove their hearts as a precautionary method to avoid the dreaded heart attack.
“Removing the heart guarantees a patient will not get a heart attack,” promised Dr. Hopkins as he explained the benefits of excising the heart. “Now that my team has solved this centuries old mystery, our next research study will be focused on discovering if people with lungs are more prone to having breathing problems.”
