WASHINGTON– While fielding questions from White House news reporters, Joe Biden revealed that an all-new and improved COVID vaccine will be released soon and he has been preparing for its inevitable rollout by studying all the previous times he got saline shots in front of the cameras as a way to coax hesitant Americans into getting the real thing.
“I promise you, folks, that this new vaccine will be even more effective than the first one,” said Biden as he practiced rolling up his sleeve. “It took a lot of courage for me to fool people into thinking I got the real COVID shot, but just know that I lied to you because I didn’t want to be greedy when there’s real victims, I mean, patients out there who need it.”
The president reassured everyone that the vaccines are not a partisan issue, being that many Republicans also pretended to get the real COVID virus shot for the cameras in an effort to trick Conservatives into getting injected with the MRNA gene therapy mystery serum.
“Our Republican friends are also helping us to get as many people depopulated, I mean, injected as possible,” said Biden while showing reporters how he plans on wincing for his next saline jab. “And next time we won’t be insulting Americans by bribing them with French fries. I’ll just have my gestapo go around to people’s homes and forcefully jab them up. It’s for their own good. I’m kind of like that nurturing mamma bird that eats her baby chick to save it from having to live.”
Biden added, “Plus, now that I got people scared of me mandating the new vaccine everyone will forget about all my crimes and also me not giving a damn about all those Hawaii people, Jack. My handlers said if I get my saline shot I can have ice cream afterwards as a treat.”
Social media companies have also been preparing for the next wave of COVID hysteria by studying their old tactics of when they banned anyone who spoke out against the vaccines.
