MARTHA’S VINEYARD– A new break in the case of the man who was found deceased at former President Barack Obama’s home came today after a passing boater gave authorities a video he took with his phone of a sinister, ugly shark cackling as it fled the area.
“We’ve never seen a shark attack as vicious as the one shown on this witness’s phone video,” said Detective Phil Makeister as Obama smiled in the background. “This was one of the most evil and hideous looking sharks I’ve ever seen in my thirty-two years on the force. The way this shark attacked that man will give me nightmares for maybe an hour or two. Did I mention how ugly that shark’s face was?”
The detective said he also believes this is the same shark that is also responsible for the suicides of many other people, saying the Obama Martha’s Vineyard case has now been officially ruled a suicide.
“This shark case is definitely a suicide gone wrong, case closed,” said Detective Makeister after the shark came back and ogled him ominously. “In fact, I never saw the shark, so it doesn’t even exist. What shark? We’re going to be opening a full investigation into the witness for lying to authorities, doctoring a video, and charging him with first-degree murder.”
At publishing time, it was reported that the witness who imagined seeing the shark had committed suicide by shooting himself six times in the back of the head after tying his wrists together, and then threw his body into a large dumpster. After finding the body, Detective Makeister also charged the deceased witness with littering and vagrancy.
