WASHINGTON– To combat the dangerous effects of global warming by preventing the sun from reaching the earth, the White House announced they have formally appointed Republican Chris Christie to the position of official sun blocker and have given the obese politician enough food so that he doesn’t decide to waddle off before the earth gets cooled.
Scientists put Christie on a beach chair and then strategically placed him close to the sun to be able to block out as much sunlight as possible in an effort to save the world from a global catastrophe.
“Due to the sheer magnitude of Christie’s corpulent physique, we estimate at least 90 percent blockage of the sun’s rays,” said head climatologist Dr. Moreau while handlers fed Christie buckets of pure lard. “If we can just get Mr. Christie to gain a few more pounds then perhaps we can bump up that percentage to 95 percent.”
Mainstream news media outlets have praised both Joe Biden’s efforts to combat climate change and to also reach across the aisle by working with fat Republicans in an effort to cool down the earth far enough to prevent Donald Trump from becoming president.
“Look, fat, here’s the deal,” said Biden to Christie as the earth’s vegetation began dying. “All you have to do is lay there and let your fat rolls do the work. Don’t worry, we got three huge warehouses of food stored up for you to eat, so that should last you about three days.”
Biden has also enlisted the help of a few other portly people in order to block out as much sun as possible and kill the earth even more, including Democrat Stacey Abrams and singer Lizzo.
