WASHINGTON– In celebration of this year’s Easter holiday, Joe Biden has performed the age-old tradition of pardoning two Thanksgiving turkeys on the day that most Christians are celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
“I’d like to celebrate this sacred Fourth of July holiday by giving presidential pardons to these five buzzards,” said Biden as he placed his wrinkled hands on two nervous turkeys. “Christmas is a time when we should come together as a nation and celebrate the rights of trans people who gave their life fighting for their country during the American Revolution of 1982.”
White House news reporters broke down in tears as they watched the breathtaking sight of the world’s most popular president fondling and tenderizing the timid birds while disappointed children cried in the background because their parents couldn’t afford eggs this year due to Biden’s purported thriving economy.
“Look at those kids crying with such excitement and happiness,” said Biden, pointing at the children who thought they were there to hunt for Easter eggs. “Hey, kids, just know that your sacrifice of not having any food to eat is a small price to pay so that big, burly, hairy transgender men can have the chance to play in women’s sports.”
Biden ended the Easter festivities by undertaking another Democrat holiday tradition by opening up a new investigation into Donald Trump for the time he forgot to put the toilet seat back down in a restaurant 12 years ago.
