PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA– In order to help the Democrats win the Pennsylvania senate seat, President Joe Biden traveled to Philadelphia to give Democratic candidate John Fetterman some intelligent, coherent public speaking lessons.
Although both Biden and Fetterman are already known as world-class orators, the president felt as though Fetterman could use some last minute speaking advice to help give him the edge over his Republican opponent Dr. Oz.
“This, uh, um, John Fettermeister guy’s the second smartest man I know,” said Biden as he reached in to shake Fetterman’s hand but missed. “I came, uh, all the way down here to Portland to help this beautiful young lady to, um, win her race for Governor of Virginia.”
Fetterman teared up at the kind words his mentor Biden had given him, saying that one day he hopes to be as lyrically gifted as Biden and called the president one of the greatest speakers in world history.
“Uh, Mr. President, me thanks you for gives me those words you just given to me,” said Fetterman in an attempt to impress Biden with his vernacular. “I, uh, promise you, President Baxter, that I be, um, dedicating my speech at my speech win to you when I wins this Prime Minister’s thing this upcoming July 2019 election thing.”
News reporters at the event began sobbing at how beautiful and elegant the two Democrats had spoken to one another, with The Washington Post calling Fetterman’s improvised speech more powerful than Winston Churchill’s famous wartime speech.
“Me John, me speak real better now,” said Fetterman as Joe sniffed his neck. “Me win now. Me thanks Mr. Jim Bigwood.”
Being that he was so impressed with the way Fetterman had spoken so succinctly, Biden fired his teleprompter and quickly hired Fetterman to feed him his lines whenever giving public speeches.
