SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA– During a recent news conference discussing ending apartheid and slowing down the nuclear arms race, California Governor Gavin Newsom suddenly closed his eyes and then told the crowd of confused people that he had to return some videotapes, walking off to take care of personal business.
“Governor Newsom, where are you going?” A reporter asked right before Newsom stopped dead in his tracks with an angry look on his face.
“I have to return some videotapes,” Newsom said nervously as he stormed off the stage, later to be seen wearing a white raincoat and carrying a large, heavy trash bag from his home as Huey Lewis and the News blared from his open window.
Newsom decided to give a one on one interview with himself in front of his bathroom mirror to explain his side of the story, and why his weird behavior has been brought into question and whether it has affected his job as the governor of California.
“There is an idea of a Gavin Newsom, some kind of abstraction,” thought Newsom to himself while staring at his gorgeous reflection in the mirror. “But there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory. And although I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable…I simply am not there.”
After getting lambasted by a Fox News reporter for the way he governs California, Newsom furrowed his brow and muttered, “Impressive, very nice. Let’s see Ron DeSantis’ state.”
