WASHINGTON– Great news, Ukraine fans. The United States Federal Reserve has recently replaced the antiquated Benjamin Franklin $100 bills with the face of Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, honoring the man whom Congress has called “the greatest person to ever walk the face of the earth.”
The new Zelensky bills have already been mass printed this week, with billions of them currently being loaded onto a few cargo planes to be sent over to the Ukraine where the bills will be laundered back to US politicians as a way to really stick it to Vladimir Putin.
“What better way to defeat the Russian president than to launder billions of dollars back into our bank accounts,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi as she blew her nose into one of the new Zelensky bills. “Me and my colleagues decided that the best way to both defeat Putin and to honor President Zelensky was to keep all those new hundred dollar bills safe inside of our offshore bank accounts.”
U.S. Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen says the new Zelensky notes will somehow help curb rising inflation and has directed President Joe Biden to send another $900 trillion to Ukraine as a way to help poor Americans who are struggling to put food on the table.
When reached for comment, President Zelensky said he was honored to be on the face of American currency and added that even though it was a kind gesture, it’s still not enough to help the suffering Ukrainian people and has asked Biden to send another $69 gazillion to help pay for the construction of all the money vaults that are now needed to hold all the US cash sent to Ukraine.
