TRENTON, NEW JERSEY– After New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy signed into law banning plastic bags, crafty hustlers have already started illegally selling the dangerous plastic bags on the black market as millions of bag addicts look to get their fix once the law takes effect in May.
The progressive Democrat majority said using plastic bags in New Jersey is worse than addicts overdosing on street drugs or gangbangers murdering innocent civilians, which is why politicians are taking this plastic bag crisis very seriously.
“Using plastic bags is worse than murder in my humble opinion,” said Gov. Murphy as he handed out dirty syringes to a few children. “I’ve already received word that criminals are now selling these bags on the black market to make a quick buck.
“Which is why I just signed another piece of legislation that states anyone caught selling menacing bags will automatically receive ninety years in prison for their first offense.”
On the same day the plastic bags were banned, Murphy also signed into law making it legal for people to purchase drugs as a way to cope with the loss of their beloved plastics.
“I don’t care how much it costs, I can’t live without my plastic bags,” said an anonymous New Jersey resident while purchasing bags in a dark alleyway for $10 a pop. “Who cares about the legalization of marijuana. Pot’s too weak for my tastes. Nothing gives me the high I’m looking for like the one I get from plastic.”
