HOLLYWOOD– In an effort to be more dynamic and inclusive, the producers for the upcoming Blade reboot have decided to scrap the traditional straight, black vampire character in favor of a more progressive pansexual Chinese werewolf hero who also identifies as a gay, female Pakistani Frankenstein’s Monster.
A representative from Marvel Studios told news reporters that they wanted to take the updated Blade character in a new direction, and will be focusing less on killing vampires and more on the werewolf’s sexual lifestyle.
“Killing fictional vampires is way too synonymous with straight, white, Christian males,” said MCU rep Alan Horowitz-Greenburg in front of a large poster for the upcoming movie. “Here at Marvel we’re constantly striving to be as progressive as possible as a way to forget about America’s racist past.”
According to the representative, the main plot of the movie has the stunning Blade character trading in his swords for signs as he goes around the country protesting the various injustices perpetrated by the Republican party, such as banning abortion and preventing minorities from voting.
While tearing down a statue of the far-right extremist Martin Luther King Jr., the werewolf has sex with numerous random strangers, animals, and inanimate objects as a way to show impressionable young children that love has no boundaries.
Due to the failure of the all-female cast of the last progressive installment of Ghostbusters, says Horowitz-Greenburg, the already predicted massive loss of money for the upcoming Blade movie will simply be blamed on racist, werewolf-phobic, homophobic, trans-species hating, white supremacists.
