SEATTLE, WASHINGTON– The Amazon Halo View Fitness Tracker is the ideal gift for that overweight, sluggish person in your life, available in stores this December just in time for the Christmas holiday.
To help kickstart your New Year’s fitness goals early, this awesome new device comes packed with cool features, such as tracking you every time you shove copious amounts of fatty foods into your face, sending you fat-shaming text messages throughout the day, and Alexa-enabled capabilities that tell you daily how fat, ugly, and unattractive you are because you don’t exercise enough.
“This is the perfect holiday gift for all those shiftless, obese land-whales that can’t get motivated on their own,” said Lank E. Mann, an Amazon marketing representative. “Our Halo devices are made of highly innovative materials that are able to withstand the massive amount of weight whenever one of those chubby cows rolls over at night onto the Halo band.”
The representative stated that the Halo bands also come fragranced with the smells of either fruits or vegetables, being that the more portly population refuses to eat anything nutritious, so they won’t be tempted to actually eat the Fitness Tracker out of late night hunger.
There’s only one design flaw in the new Halo band, but according to the representative, it isn’t actually a mistake, saying, “Our new Amazon bands have a short lifespan, but they were designed this way intentionally since most plump fatties don’t live very long anyway.”
