WASHINGTON– Every Thanksgiving the President of the United States spares a turkey by giving it a full pardon, but what most people don’t know is that once the bird cheats death it is immediately whisked away to Joe Biden’s house where it will spend the next two weeks getting sniffed, fondled, and groped by the former vice president until it dies of fright.
On the proverbial plate this year are two turkeys named Corn and Cob. Both birds will be pleading with President Donald Trump not to pardon them, rather asking that he just have them slaughtered and given to an obese family for a Thanksgiving meal in a show of mercy.
The owner of the Broad-Breasted White turkeys claims that every year his frightened birds beg him not to take them to the White House where one of them will inevitably end up being sexually abused by Biden’s nose and hands or be forced to spend a weekend with his son Hunter smoking crack while having sex with Chinese prostitutes.
“Nothing says Thanksgiving with the family than sex, drugs, and turkeys,” Biden said during a speech from the office of the president-elect. “It takes a few days of sniffing the bird’s feathers and fondling its thighs and breasts before its ready to celebrate the holiday with the all-American Biden family.”
Both Corn and Cob submitted official statements to the White House asking Trump not to pardon either one of them, promising they will self-decapitate themselves if the president follows through with the brutal tradition.
Biden told news reporters that if he gets away with stealing the election from Trump then he will hold a turkey pardon every month of the year and give the unpardoned bird to Hillary Clinton to sacrifice to Moloch.
And then a few months later O’Biden is installed as president.
Biden always volunteers to check the turkey’s temperature.
Why doesn’t Joe sniff me like he does those birds?"
That poor bird.