CHAPPAQUA, NEW YORK– Two-time failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton gave an emergency statement to the press this morning alleging that her husband Bill Clinton is a Russian asset working for Putin because he failed to put the toilet seat down late last night.
Clinton doubled down on her statement by showing reporters a photo of the Russian-hacked toilet inside one of their eight home bathrooms and says that her husband Bill was the only other person in the house at the time.
“Bill Clinton is a Russian asset,” Hillary said confidently as she began frothing at the mouth. “Yeah, he’s a Russian asset–I mean, totally. I don’t know what Putin has on him, but we now have to question whether everything he did was a lie, including his entire presidency, our marriage, and that one time he kind of-sort of said he loved me.”
The former first lady said she went into the bathroom to use the toilet last night, but didn’t notice that the seat was up until she sat down and fell into the bowl. She alleges that Bill hacked into the toilet to cause her to fall into it and embarrass her in an effort to ruin her spotless political career.
Clinton added that the Russians had their eye on Bill as a way to help Donald Trump get reelected president of the United States. She claims there’s also a toilet inside the White House that Trump uses, which proves her theory that both presidents are Putin’s puppets.
“Millions of Americans have toilets, so think about how many people are on the Kremlin’s payroll,” Clinton whined, beating her clenched fists into her seat. “When will people start listening to me?”
As a way to thwart any Russian attacks on her toilet, Hillary told reporters that she will now start urinating while standing up.
