WASHINGTON– Democrats in Congress have officially debunked the conspiracy theory that Democratic nominee Joe Biden is suffering from dementia, claiming the pesky Russians were able to hack into Biden’s brain and make it appear as though he is a senile Alzheimer’s patient in an effort to overthrow the fair and legal U.S. election.
House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff told CNN news reporters that skilled Russian trolls on direct orders of President Vladimir Putin were able to hack into Biden’s brain and disrupt his neural pathways using highly advanced equipment to make him falsely appear as though he is a demented, senile old man who is unfit to serve as president of the United States.
“We know this whole smear on Joe Biden’s cognitive abilities comes from the Kremlin,” Schiff said with a straight face as he stuck his crib notes back into his pocket. “We’ve already proved through three years of investigation that the Soviets are working to get Trump reelected by any means necessary, including making a once highly intelligent, coherent, super-genius like Biden appear as though he is a complete demented moron.”
Schiff went on to say he swears he is telling the truth and that simple Russian hackers working on laptops from their basements are just so much smarter than incompetent Democrats who somehow keep getting hacked over and over again.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi told MSNBC that she has evidence of interference into Biden’s head, pointing to the fact that Putin was bragging on his Twitter account about how he once again was able to use 16 year old Russian children to bypass the Democrat’s supposedly sophisticated technology and also Biden’s brilliant brain.
“I told you Trump and Putin are working together,” Pelosi said after her fifth shot of Vodka. “The same people who hacked into Biden’s brain are the same individuals who planted the emails on Hunter’s laptop, planted the crack pipe inside his mouth, and who made it look like I went to a hair salon without a mask.”
Pelosi ended the interview by saying Democrats also have proof that the Russians caused the Great Depression of 1929, the sinking of the Titanic, and also hacked into the snake inside the Garden of Eden that caused Eve to commit the first sin.
