TRENTON, NEW JERSEY– Democrat Gov. Phil Murphy announced Friday that he would keep the shutdown of the state going until every single New Jerseyan has safely fled the state forever in his efforts to combat the deadly coronavirus outbreak.
Thanks to Murphy’s ingenious plan to completely shut down the economy and then ask everyone nicely to stay locked up inside of their homes for the rest of their lives, New Jersey has successfully lost over two million former residents within the past month, with thousands more set to cautiously flee within the next couple weeks in what Murphy is calling a “win.”
The part-time governor, full-time constitutional scholar was all smiles during a recent press conference where he shared the good news of hemorrhaging citizens with CNN reporters, saying that his state has become the model for all other states to follow in order to curb the spread of COVID-19 in the least drastic way possible.
“I’m proud to announce that we are beating this dangerous virus,” Murphy said with a toothy grin as he held up a chart showing the decreasing citizen to virus ratio. “Due to my brilliant quick-thinking skills and proactive policies, New Jersey is leading the rest of the country in declining COVID-19 cases now that I’m helping my skittish residents to finally leave the nest.”
Mama bird Murphy went on to say that his mandatory stay-at-home order was only part of the strategy that he utilized to stop the spread, citing his harmless use of police officers who gently beat, maced, arrested, and then imprisoned anyone who foolishly defied his constitutional stay-at-home-forever orders as also effective.
To pay for all these services, says Murphy, former residents now living in other states will still have their New Jersey taxes raised, even though they no longer reside in the state.
“Once I’ve chased every citizen from the state, including all forms of law enforcement, I’ll have no choice but to raise taxes slightly. It’s a necessary evil if we are to defeat the virus that somehow has the most cases in blue states.
Due to the success of Murphy’s virus-fighting tactics, other Democrat-majority states have followed suit by implementing even stricter orders by freezing their respective state’s residents in carbonite until further notice in an effort to get rid of as many people as possible before anyone becomes infected.
