WASHINGTON– Joe Biden has gone on the offensive against all the peculiar stories floating around that he’s somehow involved with assaulting hapless women, hiring a dream team of sexual assault experts, including former President Bill Clinton.
The former vice president had decided that enough was enough after a doctored Larry King Live episode conveniently surfaced featuring an anonymous caller who Joe’s assault experts say they identified as President Donald Trump using a voice changer, pretending to be the mother of one of Biden’s accusers.
Media-proclaimed man of innocence Biden wasted no time hiring some of the top experts in the field of sexual assault allegations, including Bill Clinton, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, and Kevin Spacey.
The group of experts, known colloquially as the Wet Dream Team, has been working overtime advising Biden on the most effective ways of deflecting sexual assault allegations against rebuffed females.
“I want to say one thing to the American people,” Biden said as he pointed and shook his finger to stress his seriousness. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky, I mean, Ms. Reade.”
Biden went on to repeat the words being mouthed by Clinton’s lips, saying that, “these allegations are false and I need to get back to work for the American people.”
Numerous unbiased political experts on MSNBC are praising Biden’s brave actions against all the false accusations of Uncle Joe groping, touching, and sniffing hundreds of women without any proof whatsoever, other than the thousands of hours of doctored videos.
“It looks like we can finally put these fake sexual allegations against Biden to rest,” said MSNBC host Rachel Maddow as she held up a sign with the words: ‘Believe all Former Democrat Vice Presidents Named Joe Biden.’
“Biden’s beautiful, earthshaking speech today proved once and for all that the decades of disgusting assault allegations against him are definitely untrue. Now that this’s over, we need to turn our attention to more pressing issues, such as Trump using a voice changer back in 1993 to sound exactly like Tara Reade’s distraught mother.”
