Establishment Democrats Hold Their Breath After Trump Says Breathing Good For Health

WASHINGTON– Corporate Democrats are urging everyone to start holding their breath after President Donald Trump recently told the American people that oxygen is not only beneficial, but may also help them to stay alive.

The pushback from House Democrats came after Trump gave a Coronavirus press conference where he urged the American people to keep breathing in an effort to inundate their lungs with the much-needed colorless, odorless reactive gas called oxygen.

“I am urging everyone to stay calm and keep breathing,” Trump said during the televised speech as CNN reporter Jim Acosta held his nose and mouth shut. “Our systems rely on oxygen from cognition to digestion and I would like the American people to keep breathing like I’m doing right now.”

That advice didn’t sit well with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) who said Trump’s pro-oxygen plan to help the United States is not only dangerous, but will cause everyone to hoard all the country’s taxable oxygen.

“This is just another attempt by Mr. Trump to bypass the Constitution,” Pelosi said in the news conference as she somehow spoke while holding her breath.

After putting a paper bag over her head, Pelosi added, “Due to Trump’s brazen disregard for the American people, I will be proposing a bill before Congress that would stop all oxygen from entering our atmosphere.”

News of Pelosi and Sen. Chuck Schumer’s (D-NY) new No Oxygen bill has many progressives scratching their heads in anger over establishment Democrats not considering Trump’s plan to stimulate the economy by allowing everyone to breathe.

“How is it that Trump and the Republicans are actually more left than these establishment Democrats?” Asked Bernie Sanders supporter Karl Trotsky. “We’re the most oxygenated nation in history and yet neoliberal Democrats say we don’t have enough oxygen to breathe?”

In a show of bipartisan unity, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) came out and agreed with Trump’s breathing plan, even one-upping the president by saying that perhaps citizens should start breathing double the oxygen and has proposed his own plan of sending direct oxygen to Americans.