METROPOLITAN, NEW YORK– A man working as a mall Santa Claus who coincidentally resembles dead pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was arrested on Monday for inappropriately touching two women who were working as his elves.
Geoffrey Epsheen, 66, was taken into custody as he entered the rear entrance door of the Metropolitan Correction Mall on his way to work, where he is employed as Santa Claus for the Christmas holiday season.
Epsheen’s mugshot immediately went viral after it was shown on various news media outlets, reigniting the internet meme that the real Epstein didn’t kill himself and was perhaps still alive.
As soon as authorities caught wind of trolls spreading the fake news, they put out a statement saying that the arrested Santa Claus is definitely not infamous financier Jeffrey Epstein, but simply another convicted pedophile who looks exactly like him with a very similar name and voice, exact age, and who started working at the mall right after the real Epstein committed suicide.
“The man we arrested yesterday is definitely, undeniably not Jeffrey Epstein,” said an unnamed spokesman for the government. “The real Epstein committed suicide on August 10th of 2019. After a thorough interview with the man we recently arrested who’s definitely not Epstein, he assured us that he is definitely not Jeffrey Epstein being hidden in the witness protection program.”
Due to the multitude of similarities between Epsheen and Epstein, the spokesman stated that he understands why so many confused conspiracy theorists would mistakenly believe the two separate men are the same person.
Reputable cable news network CNN later debunked the whole conspiracy theory that Geoffrey Epsheen is the very much dead Jeffrey Epstein.
The evidence was found by The Lead host Jake Tapper, who quickly took to his Twitter X account to prove that the crazy conspiracy theory is untrue.
“This is just another insane conspiracy theory,” Tapper posted earlier this morning, setting the record straight with facts. “The ones spreading this false rumor are Russian bots and anonymous Trump-troll commenters. Case closed.”
