JACKSTONE, PENNSYLVANIA– Farmers across the United States are being warned by government officials to take extra precaution this Thanksgiving holiday due to a group of rogue turkeys who are going around and killing owners of turkey farms.
According to the FBI, nine farmers have already been killed and six others have been wounded. After the turkey bandits dispose of the farmer, they release the captive turkeys from their restraints and back into the wild.
Due to pressure from many turkey rights groups, Jackstone mayor Travis Bickle has canceled this year’s Thanksgiving and many other mayors from various cities are also considering canceling the holiday.
“Our main concern is the safety of our farmers,” said Mayor Bickle to reporters. “Make no mistake about it, these birds are domestic terrorists. With the recent deaths of these farmers, many turkey farms are closing down and releasing their livestock back into the wild for fear of attack by other rogue birds.”
But not all officials are succumbing to the demands of a few angry birds or their lobbyists. Boston’s mayor Rocky Scrat, a squirrel who took the office from human Michelle Wu back in May, says that his city will still be celebrating Thanksgiving, but with caution. Mayor Scrat has called on President Biden to have the National Guard in place until Black Friday.
“We’re not letting a few birds foul one of the country’s greatest holidays,” Mayor Scrat promised as he ate a fried turkey leg to show his commitment. “Our office is working in conjunction with Washington to try and bring these deviant, terrorist birds to justice. Yesterday local police apprehended a turkey with ties to the rogue turkey group. Apparently they were using Facebook to communicate with each other to plan their attacks.”
Turkey rights groups have suggested that people should try eating seagull this Thanksgiving as a way of not offending the turkeys, and should even consider replacing turkey bacon and turkey burgers with seagull bacon and seagull burgers.
No word on whether seagulls are willing to sacrifice their lives for the safety of a few farmers.
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