Supermarkets To Start Selling Pre-Masticated Food For People Too Lazy To Chew

WASHINGTON– The United States Food and Drink Council recently gave food companies permission to start making and selling pre-chewed foods, giving millions of people an easier option than having to chew the food themselves.

According to a statement put out by the Council, manufacturing companies can now use various animals that have been deemed too old or too sick to be used as meat, pets, or zoo attractions, as the means by how the food is masticated before being sold to retailers. 

Gary Maimonides, a representative from Tyred Foods, says that his company has already purchased thousands of sick and rundown animals to be used to chew the food that’s going to be sold to consumers.

“We’ve already fired up one of our old shutdown manufacturing plants as the location for our pre-masticated food line,” Maimonides said as he gave reporters a tour of the squalid-looking plant. “As you can see, we’ve acquired animals from all over the world who are willing to chew hundreds of pounds of food without being allowed to swallow it to fill their hungry stomachs.”

Maimonides claims that the ailing animals have no desire to actually swallow the food due to the fact that most of them technically have no desire to even live.

“That’s the brilliance of this plan,” he added, watching as a factory worker used an industrial vacuum to suck the chewed food out of an old chimpanzee’s mouth. “Thanks to the sheer laziness of consumers, our company has found yet another way to make a substantial profit off of something that shouldn’t even be necessary.”

John Oppenheimer, 32, is an unemployed former retail worker who says that the new line of pre-chewed and partially digested foods will assist him in his busy schedule of watching television and playing video games.

“I don’t have time to chew,” Oppenheimer said from the comfort of his couch. “At least now I’ll have more time to do the things I always wanted to do in life, like get to the next level of my favorite game or finally see the end of America’s Got Talent.”

Look for the new food line to hit store shelves just in time for the next Superbowl.