DOVER, DELAWARE– A Dover man was released from a local hospital today after trying to commit suicide due to a failed suicide attempt, making this his 322nd time he’s tried to kill himself and failed.
According to the man’s family, 31 year old Fred Rogers was on suicide watch when he stuck his head into a microwave and tried turning it on. Once Rogers realized that he failed miserably at the simple task of taking one’s own life, he took a plastic knife and started sawing at his wrists.
“Boy, I really hate to say this,” said 29 year old Pam Rogers, Fred’s sister, “but my brother’s always been a loser. Every time he tries killing himself he fails. I remember when we were kids he used to get mad all the time and run off to the forest and try taking his own life. Me and all the neighbor kids used to laugh at him and mock him and call him “Suicide Prevention”. Yeah, good times.”
According to statistics, 90% of suicide attempts end in failure, with 85% of those attempts being made by Fred Rogers himself.
“Maybe someday he’ll get the hang of it, get it?” Pam Rogers laughed, showing reporters photos from when she played jokes on her brother’s condition. “We try to encourage Fred the best we can and tell him that someday he’ll succeed, but we all know that he never will.”
Update: After this article was written, it was reported that Fred Rogers tried committing suicide again and surprisingly failed.
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars
Visitor Rating: 5 Stars