WASHINGTON– Americans recently voted to get rid of the bald eagle as the country’s bird and replace it with the more refined and charismatic seagull, proving once again that seagulls are more representative of the American populace.
Winning by an overwhelming amount, the seagull will now be the face of the United States and will replace the bald eagle on all government forms and documents, currency, patriotic items, and maps. Officials say this was a long overdue necessity that will strike more fear and respect in the hearts of enemies of the United States.
“Nothing scares someone more than going to the beach and getting attacked by a big, squawking seagull,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.). “For years the world laughed at us because of our choice of national bird. Our enemies used to mock the U.S. and say that bald eagles are weak, cowardly, and too prissy. Well, these guys won’t be laughing now.”
The bald eagle, says McConnell, has been the national bird of the United States since 1782 when George Washington saw the bird flying away in defeat after getting pummeled by a ground squirrel.
“Washington felt sorry for the bald eagle,” McConnell added as he unbuttoned his $10 dress shirt and showed Fox News reporters a seagull tattoo on his waxed chest.
“Every Republican member of the United States Senate has a seagull tattoo somewhere on their body. You should see where Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz have theirs. We’ve been secretly planning this for a long time. Looks like the American people finally used their brains and voted correctly this time.”
The seagull wasn’t the only choice of national bird on the ballot. Americans also had the opportunity to vote for the Vulture, Crow, or Buzzard.
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