Kim Jong-un Creates Massive Hurricane To Showcase His Power

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA– North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un created a massive hurricane yesterday by relieving himself in his personal bathroom and then opening the large window, showcasing his ultimate power after North Korean citizens failed to vote against adopting the Toilet Paper Recycle bill that was first drafted by the United States.

According to the North Korean Shibal Gazette, the perturbed leader was livid after 99% of his servants voted in favor of adopting the American bill that would give North Koreans the opportunity to use recycled toilet paper after defecating instead of using their spouses tongues as ordered by Kim back in 2012.

Byung-shin-a, Kim’s personal human toilet, told the Shibal Gazette through a hole in the wall that Kim wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps by using massive amounts of deadly 98.6 degree F methane gas to affect North Korea’s sensitive atmosphere, thus causing the deadly shifts in temperature by mixing Kim’s warm wind with the area’s much cooler air.

“I knew it was serious when Master Kim brought a New York Times into the bathroom,” Byung-shin-a told reporters. “The last time he got angry he read a Wall Street Journal right after eating nine beef burritos from Taco Bell.”

See Also: CIA Hacks Into Kim Jong-un’s Secret Facebook Account

In a televised speech, Kim gave his side of the story. “I had no initial intention of waging war on my own people,” he said, burning a roll of American-made toilet paper. “It’s just that whenever my subjects vote in favor of American values I have to launch into defensive mode, sort of like when a caring husband cuts out his wife’s tongue after she was seen talking to another man, such as her father or brother.”

A government official in South Korea told reporters that its military had evidence indicating that Kim was going to cause yet another hurricane due to his people’s independent thoughts.

“Our intelligence pinpointed specific clues,” said the unnamed official. “A strong downwind from North Korea caused severe flooding in northern sections of South Korea, killing numerous aquatic life. We weren’t certain if that was a sign of an impending Kim hurricane or just another innocent toxic nuclear spill from Japan.”