Congress Passes Toilet Paper Recycle Bill

WASHINGTON– On Friday, the U.S. Congress passed the biggest and most controversial bill in twenty years, a bill that was able to get bipartisan support due to the current toilet paper shortage that Americans are facing because of the deadly coronavirus outbreak.

The Toilet Paper Recycle Act of 2020 avoids numerous high-pressing issues such as methane gas, rising odors, and constipation-reducing supplements.

The bill includes various provisions to further the ability of the government to be able to collect used toilet paper from households and businesses across the country, produce a more resilient paper that would reduce breakage when wiping, and also facilitate the exporting of recycled toilet paper to other countries that are also experiencing toilet paper shortages.

The bill was introduced by Sen. Lisa Murkowski, Republican of Alaska, and Sen. Maria Cantwell, Democrat of Washington, two women who have fought their male counterparts relentlessly over the years to get this much-needed bill passed.

Sen. Murkowski told Fox News host Tucker Carslon that it’s a shame it took a great tragedy for such an extremely important bill to finally get passed.

“This bill will open the doors and let out the stench of wastefulness,” Murkowski stated proudly on Tucker Carlson Tonight after the bill was passed.

“No longer will used toilet paper be thrown into garbage cans and down toilets, which will save the country billions of taxpayer dollars a year. That excess money can now be funneled into more pressing issues for the United States, such as more necessary aid to golf cart rentals for our presidents.”

However, this bill doesn’t come without its problems. Carbon emissions caused by power plants that burn used toilet paper to extract the dried fecal matter causes significant air pollution that travels into neighboring cities. Some scientists suggest that the smell of burnt fecal matter will be an overwhelming nuisance to residents within a 100 mile radius of power plants. 

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Democrat from California, had previously opposed the burning of toilet paper as carbon-neutral under the new law, but has also stated that the bill would be unnecessary if the American people would stop using it.

“Our ultimate goal with this bill,” Pelosi started to say during a televised speech, holding up a roll of used toilet paper, “is for the reduction of its usage in an effort to combat climate change. Every time someone wipes themselves with a sheet of this paper, the friction causes a massive shift in the earth’s temperature, causing polar icecaps to erode.”

Environmentalist groups have raised objections to specific parts of the Toilet Paper Recycle bill that would make it easier for the underground toilet paper industry to start selling customers toilet paper made on the black market in such places as China or India.

“No one’s gonna know if they’re getting real recycled paper or a cheap knockoff,” said Brad Downings, member of environmentalist group Hot Air. “How will I know if those brown stains on the toilet paper are real or if it was painted on there by some poor sweatshop worker in China?”