Man Swallows Paint, Defecates Masterpiece Worth $2.1 Million

JONESTOWN, MISSOURI– Some say that life imitates art. If that’s the case then one man has taken that theory to a whole new level, although accidentally.

After trying to commit suicide by ingesting a few oil-based art paints, 35 year old Derek Dyschezia almost immediately started having intense gastrointestinal distress. Standing in the middle of his bedroom in Jonestown, he only made it as far as the living room where he eventually unloaded his multi-hued contents onto a low white carpet covering the floor.

“It was the most beautiful thing I ever saw,” Derek Dyschezia told ABC news host David Muir, weeks after the ordeal. “I never dreamed that something so tragic would turn into the best thing of my life. After I finished crapping all that stuff outta me, I pulled up my pants and just stood there, looking down at what I had created. Who says God doesn’t work miracles.”

When asked what would lead an apparently sane, educated man to try and commit suicide by such a disturbing manner, Dyschezia started welling up.

“I ran over a squirrel that morning,” he said, tears streaming down his pallid cheeks. “It was one of the most gut-wrenching things I ever had to go through. When I looked up in the rear-view mirror, I could see his little furry legs twitching and shaking. It reminded me of this old TV show I used to watch where this guy used to twitch his nose when he laughed. It truly brought back memories.”

In an attempt to make up for the animal cruelty, Dyschezia decided to see if he could turn the tragedy into something that would benefit everyone.

“The first art gallery that I took my painted rug to immediately scooped it up. They couldn’t believe that something that breathtaking could come out of me. They said I must have an artistic bowel. They put my rug up for auction and the bidding went up to a staggering $2.1 million. I was floored. I think some prince from Saudi Arabia bought it to pray on.”

And Dyschezia wants the world to know that he hadn’t forgotten about the little furry guy who made all of this happen.

“I really owe my life to that squirrel,” he said, bowing his head in remembrance. “I started a non-profit organization for the preservation of roadkill squirrels named Stop Short and I donated half my money to keep it going.”

Animal lovers can help Stop Short by slowing down their cars while driving along roads that are known to be high squirrel areas.