Man Tries To Impress Date By Filling SUV With Premium Gas
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA — A local man reportedly attempted to impress his date Friday night by filling his SUV with premium gasoline, a lavish gesture he described as the kind of thing…
AOC Weeps Outside Empty Minnesota Daycare Over Thousands Of Imaginary Somali Children Being Deported
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA — During an emotional press conference Friday outside an empty Minnesota daycare center, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) broke down in tears, mourning the deportation of thousands of Somali…
AOC Breaks Up With Fiancé, Gently Suggests They Should ‘Both See Other Men’
WASHINGTON — In a bittersweet end to a long-term political romance, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) has broken up with her fiancé Riley Roberts, telling her college sweetheart that it was…
Newsom Spotted Committing Crimes In Florida To Sabotage DeSantis’ Record-Low Crime Rate
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA — Florida authorities were reportedly baffled Wednesday after Governor Gavin Newsom was spotted committing a bizarre series of crimes across the state, only to discover that the California…
Congress Condemns Reduced Vaccine Schedule For Threatening Health Of Their Stock Portfolios
WASHINGTON — Members of Congress expressed grave concern Monday over the Trump administration’s decision to reduce the number of universally recommended childhood vaccinations, warning that the move could have devastating consequences…
Abdul El-Sayed Spotted Casually Trying On Several Tactical Vests
DEARBORN, MICHIGAN — Michigan Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed was spotted at a popular tactical supply store yesterday, spending over an hour trying on various weighted vests, load-bearing harnesses, and heavy-duty…
AOC Livestreams Herself Beginning Egg-Freezing Process By Swallowing Three Bags Of Ice Cubes
WASHINGTON — Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) took to Instagram Live this weekend to kick off her biological egg-freezing process several months ahead of schedule by swallowing three entire five-pound bags…
Congress Finally Reaches Bipartisan Agreement To Ignore Voters
WASHINGTON — In a rare display of bipartisan cooperation, congressional Republicans and Democrats announced Saturday that they had reached a historic agreement to ignore the will of American voters, ending…
Martians Starting To Feel Like Aliens On Their Own Planet After Influx Of 10 Million Earthling Settlers
JEZERO CRATER, MARS — Gazing out over a red, dust-swept valley now choked with 400,000 motorized space-rickshaws, hundreds of cosmic Tim Hortons, dozens of call centers, and trash and poop…
Minnesota Weather Service Forecasts 90% Chance Of Mugging
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA — The Minnesota Weather Service issued a statewide Mugging Advisory on Friday, forecasting a 90% chance of robbery throughout the Twin Cities this evening, with scattered purse snatchings expected…
Tragic: King Charles Forced To Squeeze His Own Toothpaste After Royal Valet Called Out Sick
LONDON, UK — The Union Jack is flying at half-mast above Buckingham Palace today following reports of a harrowing, unprecedented ordeal after King Charles III was reportedly forced to physically…
Moderna Offers Free Tombstone To Anyone Getting New mRNA Flu Vaccine
CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS — Pharmaceutical giant Moderna announced Thursday that it is offering a free tombstone to anyone receiving its newly approved mRNA flu vaccine, giving customers an exciting new opportunity…
