Female Clancy Jurors Say They Felt ‘Unsafe’ Around Male Holdout Who Kept Insisting Killing Children Should Have Consequences
PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS — Several female jurors who deliberated in the Lindsay Clancy murder trial reportedly said they felt "unsafe" in the jury room after one male juror repeatedly insisted that…
‘Empire Strikes Back’ Scene Redubbed For New York TV: ‘No, I Am Your Non-Gestating Parent’
NEW YORK, NY — The iconic scene from The Empire Strikes Back in which Darth Vader reveals to Luke Skywalker that he is his father has been redubbed for New…
UK Officials Ask Public To Stop Interfering With Government’s Efforts To Ignore The Border
LONDON, UK — British officials are asking members of the public to stop interfering with the government's ongoing efforts to ignore the nation's border, following a chaotic weekend in which…
Mitch McConnell Takes Labor Day Off From Being Dead
WASHINGTON — After working tirelessly around the clock to appear fully deceased since his mysterious hospitalization in mid-June, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced Monday that he would be taking a…
Georgia Authorities Rule HeeHaw The Donkey Died By Suicide After Shooting Himself Twice In Back Of Head
CEDARTOWN, GEORGIA—Putting to rest weeks of online speculation and public outrage, the Polk County Medical Examiner announced Friday that HeeHaw, the beloved miniature petting zoo donkey, tragically took his own…
Child Asks Dad If ‘Mistrial’ Means Mom Is Allowed To Start Killing People Now
PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS — Following the breaking news of a mistrial in the high-profile Lindsay Clancy murder case, a local 8-year-old cautiously approached his father Friday evening to ask if "mistrial"…
Keir Starmer Wondering If He’s Still Invited To Next Year’s World Leaders’ Coke Party
LONDON, UK — Pacing the living room of his remarkably quiet home, former Prime Minister Keir Starmer has reportedly spent the last 48 hours staring at his phone, agonizing over…
Lindsay Clancy Jury Deadlocked After Female Jurors Ask To Consult TikTok First
PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS — After spending nearly 18 hours reviewing evidence, listening to more than 80 witnesses and examining more than 300 exhibits, deliberations in the high-profile Lindsay Clancy murder trial…
Progressive Judge Explains That Keeping A Dangerous Criminal Off The Streets Only Solves The Problem Of Public Safety
CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA — A progressive judge explained Monday that keeping a dangerous career criminal behind bars may prevent him from committing additional crimes, but cautioned that this approach would…
UK Police Assure Residents They Have Knife Crime Under Control As Long As They Avoid All Dangerous Areas, People, Activities, And Leaving The House
LONDON, UK — In a highly anticipated press conference inside Scotland Yard, Metropolitan Police officials proudly announced a major victory over the city’s escalating violent crime epidemic, reassuring the public…
Trump Escalates Trade War By Shrinking Canada By 50% On All U.S. Maps
WASHINGTON — In a dramatic escalation in the growing trade war with Canada, President Donald Trump has signed an executive order requiring all U.S. cartographers, textbook publishers, and GPS software companies…
Canada Retaliates Against America By Instructing Border Guards To Aggressively Roll Their Eyes At U.S. Passports
OTTAWA, ONTARIO — Following the sudden collapse of trade negotiations and the imposition of brutal 50% U.S. tariffs on Canadian exports, Canada dramatically escalated its ongoing trade war with the…
