Mitch McConnell’s Office Insists Proof Of Life Photo Is Authentic
WASHINGTON — Hoping to put weeks of speculation about the senator's whereabouts to rest, Mitch McConnell's office released what aides described as a "completely authentic and very reassuring proof of…
Supreme Court Rules Babies Born At Disney World Are Intellectual Property Of Disney
WASHINGTON — In a devastating 5-4 decision that further entrenched the controversial "magic dirt" theory of birthright citizenship, the Supreme Court ruled today that any baby born within the boundaries of…
Trump Spends Afternoon Watching Migrants Fight In Steel Cage
WASHINGTON — Describing the event as a relaxing way to clear his mind after a few disappointing Supreme Court decisions, President Donald Trump spent a quiet Tuesday afternoon on the…
Biden Elected President Of Retirement Home After 3 A.M. Ballot Dump Of 81 Million Votes
SUN CITY, FL—Residents of the Shady Acres Senior Living Community awoke Tuesday morning to discover that former President Joe Biden had been overwhelmingly elected President of the Residents Council after…
After SCOTUS Ruling, Clarence Thomas Revokes Amy Coney Barrett’s Conservative Card
WASHINGTON — Following her deciding vote in a 5-4 Supreme Court decision that permits mail-in ballots to be counted up to five days after Election Day, Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly informed…
Canadian Man Arrested For Wearing Clothes Within 500 Feet Of Pride Parade
TORONTO, ONTARIO — In a shocking display of bigotry and public indecency, a local 34-year-old Canadian man was tackled to the pavement and arrested by Toronto police Sunday afternoon for…
German Police Raid Domestic Terrorist Grandmother’s Home For Harboring An Air Conditioner
BERLIN, GERMANY — In a swift, pre-dawn operation, heavily armed tactical units from the German Climate Security Force breached the apartment of an 84-year-old grandmother suspected of harboring an illegal,…
Mamdani Vows To Defend Haitian Migrants’ Right To Backyard Cat Barbecues
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — In a defiant rebuke of the conservative Supreme Court’s recent ruling allowing President Trump to end Temporary Protected Status for Haitian and Syrian migrants, Mayor…
Radical New York Democrats Celebrate Election Victory With 21-US Flag Burning Salute
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Following a sweeping string of primary victories for far-left socialist candidates across the Empire State, the newly elected socialist-communist coalition of New York held its official…
Newsom Demands Investigation Into Governor Responsible For California Fraud Scandal
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — Calling the allegations "deeply disturbing," California Governor Gavin Newsom demanded that authorities launch an immediate investigation into the mysterious governor responsible for allowing a massive fraud scandal…
John Thune Explains He’s Just Not Ready For A Serious Relationship With SAVE Act
WASHINGTON — Senate Majority Leader John Thune sat down with reporters Tuesday to clarify rumors surrounding his increasingly complicated relationship with the SAVE Act, explaining that while he thinks the…
Keir Starmer Steps Down, Immediately Handing Power To Bold New Islamic Leader ‘Keirlifa Starmaleed’
LONDON, UK — Following months of historic unpopularity, compounding street protests, and growing demands for his resignation, Prime Minister Keir Starmer announced his immediate resignation from office this morning, only…
