Ilhan Omar Argues Embezzling $250 Million Was Victimless Crime Since Kids Were Made Up Anyway
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA — Standing before a crowded press pool on Friday, Representative Ilhan Omar offered a forceful defense of the associates and family members implicated in the staggering $250 million…
GoFundMe Launched For Financially Struggling Elon Musk After Net Worth Falls Below $1 Trillion
AUSTIN, TEXAS — In response to Elon Musk's heartbreaking fall below the trillionaire threshold, compassionate supporters have launched a GoFundMe campaign to help the financially struggling billionaire get back on…
RFK Jr. Discovered Sleeping Upside Down On White House Ceiling To Improve Circulation
WASHINGTON — White House officials confirmed that Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (RFK Jr.) has been routinely sleeping upside down by his ankles on the Oval…
Democrats Vow To Protect Democracy By Making Future Voter Fraud Impossible To Detect
TRENTON, NEW JERSEY — Following the horrifying revelation that a New Jersey DMV software glitch accidentally exposed the registration of roughly 6,600 non-citizens, state Democrats quickly sprung into action, vowing…
Republicans Celebrate Amnesty Deal Where Democrats Got Everything And Republicans Pretended To Fight
WASHINGTON — House Republicans held a triumphant press conference Tuesday celebrating what they described as a historic conservative victory after reaching a bipartisan immigration agreement in which Democrats received every…
Keir Starmer Steps Down As Prime Minister To Spend More Time With His Local Grooming Gang
LONDON, UK — Bringing an end to one of the least popular premierships in recent British history, Keir Starmer announced that he would be resigning as Prime Minister in order…
Illegal Alien Learns Olive Garden Has Stricter ID Requirements Than U.S. Elections
ORLANDO, FLORIDA — Saying the experience had left him deeply confused about American priorities, an illegal alien reportedly discovered recently that obtaining Olive Garden's coveted Never-Ending Pasta Pass requires more…
Canada Announces $100 Billion Ukraine Aid Package To Combat Canadian Wildfires
OTTAWA, CANADA — With record wildfires continuing to burn across Canada while thick smoke blankets much of North America, Prime Minister Mark Carney unveiled what officials called its most ambitious…
FDA Approves Taco Bell As New Weight-Loss Drug
SILVER SPRING, MARYLAND — In a landmark decision for the American diet industry, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced that it has officially approved Taco Bell as the nation's…
Gavin Newsom Teaches Mark Carney How To Blame Wildfires On Trump While Cutting Firefighting Budgets
OTTAWA, CANADA — With wildfires once again spreading across Canada and toxic smoke drifting into the United States, California Governor Gavin Newsom personally arrived in a smoke-choked Ottawa this week…
UK Police Detain Suspicious Man For Going Entire Week Without Being Stabbed
LONDON, UK — The Metropolitan Police confirmed that officers have arrested a local man after investigators discovered he had managed to go an entire seven consecutive days without being stabbed,…
EU Solves Objectification Of Female Athletes By Mandating Progressive, Full-Body Burkas
BRUSSELS — Building upon recent European Broadcasting Union guidelines aimed at eliminating the sexualization of women in sports, the European Union announced that it has definitively solved the issue of…
