Mark Carney Honors Obama Visit With Drone Strikes On Canadian Civilians
OTTAWA, CANADA — In a touching diplomatic tribute designed to make the 44th President of the United States feel right at home, Prime Minister Mark Carney welcomed Barack Obama to…
Betrayed Lindsey Graham Accuses Trump Of Cheating On Him With An Iran Peace Deal
WASHINGTON — Wiping away tears as he shredded a romantic, hand-drawn map of Tehran’s critical oil infrastructure, a deeply betrayed Lindsey Graham accused Donald Trump of throwing away everything they…
Rubio Secures Historic Deal Ensuring Indian H-1B Workers Only Replace Americans In Blue States
NEW DELHI, INDIA — Declaring the agreement a massive, unprecedented victory for the American working class, U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced a monumental trade and labor breakthrough during his…
Chuck Schumer Praises John Thune For Being The Best Democrat In The Senate
WASHINGTON — Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer stunned reporters after publicly praising Senate Majority Leader John Thune as the single most effective Democrat currently serving in the United States Senate,…
Disappointed Indian Parents Devastated To Learn Son Hasn’t Scammed A Single Elderly Woman’s Savings
MUMBAI, INDIA — Saying they had sacrificed everything to give him a head start in a highly competitive industry, local parents Rajeev and Sunita Sharma announced that they were officially…
UK Stabbing Victim Accused Of Distressing Migrant Attacker By Trying To Stop Attack
LONDON, UK — Expressing deep disappointment over a flagrant breach of modern community etiquette, the UK Metropolitan Police issued a stern public warning Thursday after a local stabbing victim allegedly…
Karen Bass Attempts To Win Back Voters By Dropping Out Of Race
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — Hoping to breathe new life into a struggling re-election campaign, Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass announced Thursday a bold new electoral strategy of completely dropping out…
Miriam Adelson And John Paulson Formally Awarded Co-Custody Of Ed Gallrein Following Successful Primary Adoption
HEBRON, KENTUCKY — In a touching scene that restored faith in the power of multi-million-dollar dark money investments, family court mediators confirmed that billionaire casino magnate Miriam Adelson and Wall…
Ed Gallrein Assures Voters He Only Followed OnlyFans Model To Keep An Eye On The ‘Moral Decay Of America’
HEBRON, KENTUCKY — Facing intense scrutiny just as voters head to the polls, Kentucky Republican congressional challenger Ed Gallrein held a press conference Tuesday morning to clarify that his official…
Shocking Accusation: Whistleblower Claims Thomas Massie Hung Toilet Paper In ‘Under’ Position During 2018 Dinner Party
FRANKFORT, KENTUCKY — The increasingly bitter Kentucky Republican primary descended into unprecedented territory Monday after a brave anonymous whistleblower alleged that Congressman Thomas Massie once installed a roll of toilet paper…
European Union Apologizes To Car-Ramming Terrorist For Dents Left In His Rental Vehicle By Civilians
BRUSSELS — In a globally televised press conference Sunday morning, top officials from the European Union issued a formal, tearful apology to a local car-ramming terrorist suspect, expressing their deepest…
Tensions Rise On Ben Shapiro’s Forehead As Right Eyebrow Annexes Left Eyebrow Territory
BOCA RATON, FLORIDA — Insisting that the historic expansion was both necessary for its long-term security and deeply rooted in ancestral biology, conservative commentator Ben Shapiro’s right eyebrow launched a…
