Oscars Add New Category For Best Performance Replacing White Character In Hollywood Remake
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — Viewers tuning into Sunday night’s Academy Awards were surprised when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences abruptly unveiled a brand-new award midway through the…
Israel Releases Undoctored Photo Of Benjamin Netanyahu To Prove He’s Still Alive
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Attempting to calm a growing online frenzy about the whereabouts of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, the Israeli government released what officials described as a "totally authentic,…
Gavin Newsom Reminds Iran To Apply For Proper Permits Before Launching Missiles Into California
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — In response to recent threats from the Islamic Republic of Iran to launch ballistic missiles at the West Coast, California Governor Gavin Newsom held an emergency press…
Canadian Man Finally Reaches Front Of ER Line Just In Time For Autopsy
TORONTO, ONTARIO — After what Canada Health described as a triumph of administrative efficiency, 62-year-old Marc Delaney finally reached the front of the emergency room line Wednesday evening just moments before hospital…
Trump Endorses Jake Paul’s Sweaty Armpits After They ‘Worked Harder In 5 Minutes Than Massie In 10 Years’
HEBRON, KENTUCKY — At a rally Tuesday night, Donald Trump stunned supporters by announcing that his newest endorsement in the Kentucky Republican race was the visibly soaked underarms of YouTuber-turned-boxer…
Unemployed Dan Crenshaw Joins Somali Pirates After Realizing Plunder More Lucrative Than Insider Trading
MOGADISHU, SOMALIA — Following a devastating primary defeat that left him ousted from the U.S. Congress, former Texas Congressman Dan Crenshaw has reportedly found a new, surprisingly lucrative career path…
Keir Starmer Torn Between Arresting People For Tweets And Arresting Them Before They Tweet
LONDON, UK — Government sources say Prime Minister Keir Starmer is currently facing a difficult policy dilemma over whether British citizens should be arrested after posting opinions online or before…
Lindsey Graham Wakes Up In Cold Sweat After Horrifying Nightmare Where He Had To Fight In One Of His Own Wars
WASHINGTON — Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) awoke screaming in the early morning hours on Monday, absolutely drenched in a cold sweat following a gruesome, blood-chilling nightmare in which he was…
Japanese Domino’s Delivery Driver Commits Seppuku In Shame After Being One Minute Late With Pizza Order
TOKYO, JAPAN — A delivery driver for Domino's Pizza Japan reportedly committed ritual seppuku Saturday evening after arriving one minute late with a large pepperoni pizza, bringing profound dishonor upon…
France Surrenders To U.S. Minutes After Trump Tells Iran To ‘Unconditional Surrender’
PARIS, FRANCE — In a move historians are calling one of the fastest geopolitical capitulations ever recorded, France formally surrendered to the United States Friday just minutes after U.S. President…
U.S. Unveils Israel Loyalty Punch Card: Buy 10 Congress Members, Get 1 Free Middle East War
WASHINGTON — In an effort to streamline a long-standing bipartisan tradition, the United States government unveiled a new Loyalty Rewards Punch Card program allowing Israel to earn a free Middle…
Iran Council Chooses Achmed The Dead Terrorist As New Supreme Leader
TEHRAN, IRAN — Following the sudden death of Iran’s longtime Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei during recent airstrikes carried out by the United States and Israel, Iran’s powerful ruling council convened…
