WASHINGTON — In a devastating 5-4 decision that further entrenched the controversial “magic dirt” theory of birthright citizenship, the Supreme Court ruled today that any baby born within the boundaries of Walt Disney World is legally the copyrighted intellectual property of the Walt Disney Corporation.
The majority opinion, authored by Justice Amy Coney Barrett, who once again joined Chief Justice John Roberts and the Court’s liberal justices, concluded that because the child was born on Disney property, the company is entitled to “all associated rights, licensing opportunities, merchandising revenue, and at least three direct-to-streaming sequels.”
“Just as stepping across the Texas border miraculously grants instant constitutional rights, crowning near the spinning teacups legally binds a newborn to the absolute jurisdiction of the Mouse,” Barrett wrote in her opinion. “Since geography dictates existence, this infant is merely an unlicensed park exclusive, and the mother is frankly lucky she isn’t being sued for unauthorized reproduction.”
Disney executives celebrated the ruling by announcing plans for an exciting slate of new content, including Baby: The Live-Action Remake, Baby 2, Baby Origins, Baby+, and a limited series explaining why the baby suddenly has a British accent.
At press time, Disney had announced the immediate release of a new premium subscription tier for $49.99 a month allowing parents to remove unskippable advertisements before talking to their own children.
