FRANKFORT, KENTUCKY — The increasingly bitter Kentucky Republican primary descended into unprecedented territory Monday after a brave anonymous whistleblower alleged that Congressman Thomas Massie once installed a roll of toilet paper in the controversial “under” position during a private 2018 dinner party, a revelation experts say threatens to derail the incumbent’s reelection campaign.
According to the deeply traumatized anonymous source, Thomas Massie personally reversed the toilet paper orientation sometime between appetizers and dessert, allegedly muttering, “This is simply more efficient.” The whistleblower reportedly kept the secret buried for nearly a decade out of fear of political retaliation.
“I walked into the guest bathroom, minding my own business,” the source tearfully recounted to reporters from behind a privacy screen with their voice digitally altered. “The roll was empty, so I reached under the sink, grabbed a fresh roll of Charmin Ultra Soft, and placed it on the counter. Moments later, I saw Thomas enter.
“When I returned to wash my hands, there it was hugging the wall in the under position. I knew right then and there that this man was unfit for public office.”
The Gallrein campaign immediately seized upon the revelation, claiming that placing the toilet paper under instead of over is simply un-American, with President Trump calling Massie a “total sleazebag who can’t be trusted in the bathroom, let alone Washington.”
At press time, an eighth anonymous witness had reportedly come forward claiming Massie once ripped open a bag of chips from the bottom like some kind of wild animal.
