UNITED KINGDOM– In a desperate attempt to funnel every last penny into lavish handouts for immigrants, the UK government has announced a bold new plan to raise the current state pension age of 66-years-old to the more appropriate age of “whenever you die.”
In a coalition of opposing parties, both Labour and Reform UK Parties came together to make the necessary changes to the pension’s current retirement age due to an unfair advantage British citizens have over the third world immigrant invaders who came for a better life of receiving everything for free.
“This is about fairness,” said UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer as he smirked at an 89-year-old British woman repairing a pothole in the road after returning to work. “We simply cannot afford to have lazy pensioners in their 80s and 90s collecting money to do nothing all day while our immigrant community is in dire need of more housing, food, and money to buy expensive gold watches and designer clothes.”
Under the new “Work Until You’re Dead” policy, the previously quaint age of 66 has now been replaced with the more flexible retirement age of whenever you die. PM Starmer says the new penison policy is mandatory and all elderly legal working British citizens will be required to wear a Fitbit to track their heartbeat.
“Once your heart stops and you no longer have a pulse, you can finally consider yourself retired,” promised Starmer as he laughed like a hyena. “Don’t worry, subjects, you’ll die happy knowing you worked until you dropped so an immigrant from Pakistan can get themselves and their ten children a free mansion.”
