VATICAN CITY– As thousands of people took time to mourn the death of Pope Francis inside St. Peter’s Square, President Volodymyr Zelensky went around hesitantly asking mourners if they would mind donating some money to Ukraine.
While one woman wept in front of the Pope’s casket, the cautiously opportunistic Zelensky came up from behind her and asked if she could spare some money for his war against Russia.
“Excuse me, miss, I know this may be an awkward moment, but I could really use your help,” said Zelensky in between wiping his itchy nostrils. “As you may know, Ukraine could use your help. Look, I’ll take anything. I’ll even take whatever spare change you have in your pockets. Come on, lady, just give me something, will you? I flew all the way over here and I’m not leaving empty handed.”
Zelensky began walking around the large room with a duffel bag, eyeing all of the expensive gold artifacts and other rare items that were worth billions of dollars. “I don’t think anyone will miss any of these,” said Zelensky, dumping a few golden chalices into his bag.
It was later reported that Zelensky had volunteered to be a pallbearer and help carry the Pope’s coffin after he had noticed all the gold jewelry that was going to be buried inside of the vault for eternity.
