KIEV, UKRAINE– Struggling to make ends meet and not getting the blind support he was used to getting the last few years, disaffected President Zelensky took time out of his busy schedule to sit all alone inside of his office to think back on all the good times when corrupt, senile President Joe Biden would just blindly send him billions of dollars every week with no strings attached.
While staring sullenly ahead into nothingness, Zelensky took in a few deep breaths and then relived all the moments as he thought about the better life he had when Biden would send him money so easily, not having to do anything in return other than keep all the world’s leader’s corrupt secrets.
“I really miss you,” said Zelensky softly as he caressed a stack of US hundred dollar bills. “The way you used to flow so easily and so regularly into my bank accounts. I miss how I didn’t even have to do anything to get you, other than fly over to the United States every couple months and let that perverted old Biden sniff my hair or run his hand down my lower back.”
Zelensky wept as he thought about now being forced to have accountability for receiving aid or for being required to pay all of the money back.
“My life was so much easier back then when US money flowed like Russian Vodka. Kind of like how my life was easier before I was installed as president when I used to just play piano with my penis and dance in homoerotic videos wearing women’s high-heeled shoes.”
