LONDON, ENGLAND– After the large influx of illegal alien stabbing attacks on British citizens, new Prime Minister Keir Starmer finally decided to address the serious crime epidemic by telling the violent immigrant community that they are only allowed to stab up to fifty British people a day.
During a press conference in front of the Labour Party prime minister’s office at 10 Downing Street, Keir Starmer eased worried Briton’s minds by informing them that he has made an official decree limiting the amount of times an immigrant can use a knife to try to kill them.
“I say, ole chaps, I have great news, I do,” said Starmer with a smile as a British man got stabbed only a few feet away. “I have been under a lot of pressure to address all the British citizens getting stabbed by our mostly peaceful immigrant community and I am proud to announce that I am limiting migrant stabbing attacks to no more than fifty per day. Jolly good, pip pip, cheerio, and all that good stuff.”
PM Keir Starmer said the new stabbing rule starts immediately and then looked at his watch and said, “All right, you blokes, you have twenty-four hours to get those fifty knife attacks in. If the immigrant community dares to stab someone more than fifty times per day I’ll be forced to reevaluate my decree and possibly increase the stabbings to one hundred per day.”
At publishing time, the fifty maximum stabbings had already been reached by the time Starmer had finished his speech, causing the prime minister to give the rambunctious invaders a stern talking to.
