KIEV, UKRAINE– As the war between Ukraine and Russia rages on, disaffected President Volodymyr Zelensky took some alone time to reflect on both his new miserable life and reminisce about all the simpler and fun times he used to have just playing piano with his penis, dancing in drag, and partying at gay pride parades.
While staring out a window sullenly, Zelensky took in a few deep breaths and replayed all the exciting things he used to do before being installed as Ukraine’s puppet president for corrupt Western governments.
“I really hate my job,” thought Zelensky as he eyed a pair of his wife’s pink high-heeled shoes. “What happened to my life? My life used to be so much easier just wearing women’s clothes and prancing around with the boys. Yeah, I have a lot more money now through this money laundering operation, but at what price? I can’t even pull my genitals out of my pants and play the banjo without it making international headlines.”
Zelensky searched for his old high-heeled dancing video on YouTube and began weeping at the beautiful sight of himself grinding his backside against the crotches of other men, wishing that he could just settle the war with Putin by doing the same thing.
The distraught wartime president blew his leaky nose into a couple hundred dollar bills and then buried his sorrows with a bottle of million dollar Russian Russo-Baltique Vodka.
