NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK– A major mishap happened during yesterday’s Democratic fundraiser at the Radio City Music Hall when obese music singer Lizzo gave Joe Biden a lap dance, crushing the president and causing worried Secret Service agents to rush him to the hospital.
The star-studded event attended by both former presidents Barack Obama and Bill Clinton, as well as musicians such as Queen Latifah, left much to be desired until the main attraction when portly Lizzo brought Biden onto the stage during part of her act and had the president sit down before almost crushing him to death with one of her infamous erotic dances.
“President Biden is severely injured, but is recovering,” said Dr. Tess Tickle, the physician who attended to Biden’s flattened legs. “The sheer magnitude of Miss Lizzo’s weight was just too much pressure to put onto a weak, frail, senile senior citizen like President Biden. We also inundated his body with extra oxygen to try to get blood flow back into his lower extremities.”
According to witnesses, Biden was initially hesitant to get a lap dance from Lizzo, not because of her weight, but because she is a black woman with fake hair, which doesn’t smell as nice as the real thing.
Fortunately for the startled audience, the night wasn’t a total loss. After Biden was taken out of the building by paramedics, former President Bill Clinton volunteered to take Biden’s spot by removing all of his clothes and then forcing Lizzo to sit on his lap to finish her plump performance. No word on whether Obama had one of the male attendees recreate the lap dance scene for him.
