WASHINGTON– With the House Republican investigation into Joe Biden’s mishandling of classified information heating up, White House officials were quick to point out that, yes Biden told his ghostwriter things that he shouldn’t have, but only did so because he had believed the man was an actual ghost.
While fielding questions from news reporters, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre reiterated that Biden didn’t do anything wrong by telling a ghostwriter classified information because the president is a senile, demented, old bastard that truly believed he was speaking to a departed spirit.
“President Biden’s innocent since he truly thought he was speaking to the dead,” said Jean-Pierre with a straight face. “Even the DOJ has recently stated that even though President Biden is totally guilty of his crimes, he cannot be held accountable because of the fact that he’s a senile, Alzheimer’s patient who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing and actually thinks he sees dead people.”
This isn’t the first time Biden has spoken to the dead. At an event in 2022, a visibly confused Biden asked where a dead congresswoman named Jackie was and that she still owed him a shoulder rub. The White House used this among other examples, such as when the president said he had recently sung on stage with Elvis Presley, as proof that Biden is innocent.
Democrats also pointed to all the times Biden has shaken hands with the air, saying he was actually shaking hands with ghosts. Democrat Adam Schiff had another unique theory.
“We have reason to believe that the ghost is actually a Russian asset working on behalf of former President Trump,” said Schiff as everyone in the chambers slapped their heads in unison.
