WASHINGTON– In a move that surprised no one, President Joe Biden announced that he has appointed Satan as his new US special climate change envoy after John Kerry stated that he was stepping down from the position to return back to Hell to watch over his father’s kingdom.
In a press conference held inside of the White House, Biden used his cue cards and teleprompter to explain his decision on why he tapped the Prince of Darkness for such an important role.
“With that John Kenny, or Kerry, whatever his name is, gone, I needed someone even more evil than him to promote this climate hoax,” said Biden with a smirking Satan by his side. “In order to trick even more people into believing the climate scam, I needed someone who’s a master at getting people to agree to something, even when they don’t want to. And who better to get the job done than the Father of Lies himself, Mr. Satan. Or as I like to call him in private, my Dad.”
After Biden sniffed the back of his horned head, Satan flashed a charming smile for the cameras and then confidently told dubious news reporters that he promises he will use his powers for good this time.
“Trust me, I know I’ve done a few bad things in the past, but I promise I’ll do the right thing this time,” said Satan, his deep voice booming through the Oval Office. “I truly want to help the earth and all its inhabitants. No, really I do. If the earth’s uninhabitable, then where will I go? It’s in my best interest to help all of you and I promise I’ll use my new role to make the world a better place. I’ll give you all the kingdoms of the world and without all the smog. We’ll work out all the minor details later, like having to fall down on your knees and worship me. Trivial stuff.”
After the press conference ended, Biden decided that Satan wasn’t evil enough for the job and announced that he had replaced the Devil with an even more evil monster, John Podesta.
