KIEV, UKRAINE– Ahead of President-Elect Donald Trump taking office, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky visited the local mall in Kiev to ask Santa Claus to give him a few billion dollars for Christmas.
After pushing a few kids aside to be first in line, Zelensky used a ladder to hop up onto Santa’s lap to tell some random man wearing a white beard that he wanted billions of dollars for Christmas because the American Congress wasn’t sending him enough taxpayer money.
“I heard you’re the guy who grants people’s wishes for Christmas,” said Zelensky as he grabbed Santa Claus by the collar. “Even though I’m technically Jewish and I don’t celebrate Christmas I’m very desperate for cash because the selfish American people refuse to keep sending me their own money.”
While Zelensky picked Santa’s pockets looking for change, Kris Kringle quickly hid his wallet and then asked the little leader of Ukraine exactly what he wanted for the holiday.
“Have you been a good little boy this year?” Santa asked Zelensky. “Santa only brings gifts to good little boys and girls and any bad boys who had other mall Santas locked up get coal.”
Enraged that Santa would question his integrity and refuse to just hand him over the money, Zelensky had Santa Claus locked up in prison along with a few Catholic priests and ministers.
He probably pissed on Santa’s lap.
Santa, check your pockets.